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If you have a sense of humor and like
cute jokes, then continue:     

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   Joke of the day: 

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?.. 

And then you ad eggs and sugar... and you get cake? 

Where did the glue go ? 


NEED AN ANSWER? 


You know darned well where it went! 

That's what makes the cake stick to your butt!

IF YOU WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE THIS,
Swine Flu advice

DON'T GO TO WORK OR SCHOOL

 Ralph & Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry! When can I go home?"

Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' 

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' 

(You're going to love this..................  You're going to hate yourself for loving this and me for posting it........)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 "What are you doing?"  She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!  Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3  were on a beer can, 2  were on the phone.
 

Hearing Loss
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 Fear
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM .......

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody  under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said  the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be  able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'  'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.  'I'll sleep on it,' I  said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a  year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so  happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new  pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and  how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off  the bed! -  Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
 

New Supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic  mist machine to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it  goes on, you hear the sound of a  thunderstorm
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
 

Flat Tire
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway.  So I ease my car over to  the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and
open the  trunk.   I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the  rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!  They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts  to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.   And of course, traffic starts backing up..

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.. It wasn't long before a COP pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car  and starts walking toward me.  I could tell he was not a happy camper!
 "What's going on here?" he said  "My car has a flat tire", I said calmly.  "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing
here by the  road?" the COP says with an angry tone.  I just couldn't believe that he didn't know.  

So I told him, "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" 

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